Relationship Advice for getting what you want in a romantic relationship

As shocking as this may sound... You will never get what you want most from an intimate relationship. Simply because we're not programed to receive it. "It" is something that was denied to us as children from our parent, or parents. And we spend the rest of our life seeking it in various distractions; money, physical image, body shape, social status, relationships, sex, drugs, work, career, etc. Yet, we know that all those things really won't deliver "it" to us. And the biggest tragic comedy of all is that we falsely believe that we'll only get it through one source: "true love".

We're disillusioned and conditioned into thinking that we'll get it through an intimate relationship. And that's because we actually do get a taste in the romantic phase of relationships. This is because during this phase, it's still "safe" to receive what we want most, because the deeper self-worth wounds haven't been triggered yet. Only when things begin to get really intimate, beyond just sex. When things begin to get psychologically intimate. This kind of intimacy intensifies with the factors of shared work, more time spent together, living together, children and financial stress. Which are all extremely common in modern marriages. When these stresses enter, our patience is tested to our limits. Resulting in much deeper intimacy than the romantic sexual fantasy that most people get involved in during the romantic stage, which typically lasts anywhere to 6-12 months depending on circumstances.

When the romance is over... we begin to resist what we wanted most from our partner. What it was that attracted us to him or her in the first place begins to annoy us, and push our buttons. And, sadly this can often lead us to feeling that we're more alone within a relationship than outside of one. Obviously this is not true... it's just our emotional buttons resisting the breakthrough that could happen if we had the courage, discipline and willingness to move through our resistances, discomforts and annoyances. But the real tragedy is that most couples choose one of two options when this pattern develops. They either stick it out and limit their interactions to lessen the pain and give their quest for getting what they most wanted - accepting that they'll never get it. Or, they separate in the false hope that they'll get it elsewhere. Both are illusionary and easy escapes. Although the latter does often hold more potential for awakening. Because once someone exhausts their search for "it" in another... Or after they enter another relationship with someone who they believed was so different than their previous partner, only to have the exact same buttons pushed years later when their intimacy finally came to the same limits - this visceral realization will sometimes be enough to awaken that person.

Truthfully the intimate relationship was founded on a fundamental flaw: that someone else could give us what we most want. That "thing" that our parents didn't give us enough of. We conditioned ourselves to accept that we're never going to get it from our parent, nor from any other source. So although there is an underlying hope and desire to get it. We feel unworthy of it, so could never receive it - leading us to subconsciously sabotage any circumstance that may lead us to actually getting it.

There is a way to get "it". But most people are not crazy enough to actually do what it takes to go there. And truthfully, why bother when you can just indulge in the never ending drama of almost getting it. The cat and mouse, push and pull, success and failure endless roller coaster that most people are miserably addicted to.

How to get what you most want.

You've got first know what it is. What is it? Can you even fathom getting it? I mean REALLY fathom it? It seems as if the longing is very real. The emptiness that we seek to fill is tangible. But to actually emotionally enter the possibility of receiving it will feel like entering the void, the unknown. Theoretically and intellectually, it can make sense and you can understand it, and you can easily say: "Yes, I want that." "Yes, I'm willing to push through my limits to get that." "Yes, I will create the possibility of receiving that in my life." "Yes, it's what I want more than anything and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it."

But if you actually FEEL it, you'll enter a fear so deep, it borders on panic, like a deep chaotic endless void of chaos. Your mind and ego will have no frame of reference. Nothing makes sense within that space. This is because you've built your entire identity around not having "it" AND seeking "it". To actually receive it, your current identity will have to fully die. Because your identity is programmed NOT to receive it. It's like having a small brick house with small windows and you want to have a large wood house with large windows. You have either tear down the small house to build the large house, or move completely out of the brick house to live in the log house. The ego, your house, which is what you interpret reality through will have to die. If that happens, it will ACTUALLY feel like a real physical death.

"You" have to essentially die. Not your physical body, but the "you" whom you identify with. That's why I began this post by writing "YOU will never get what you want most..."

So, how willing are you to get what you've always wanted? Are you willing to die?

If not, there is another path that Liana Gailand shared with me: To consistently give what you've never got, and never engage the hope of receiving what you want.

Although these appear to be two different paths or approaches, they essentially lead to the same place. Both will create an ego death of sorts. Both will eventually have the effect at killing the identity that is starved for what you were denied as a child.

A final note: If you are a parent, be aware. Whatever you don't give your child; physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally, will cause him or her to spend the rest of his or her life seeking it.

It's not easy by any stretch, but it's possible.

Warmly,

Blaise