Conscious Loving - A summary of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks' book

In this classic relationship book called Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks give powerful step-by-step relationship advice to transform a relationship from co-denpence to co-commitmement. And ultimately to what we all want: A deep, open and conscious relationship, filled with love and a connection beyond description. This book has changed many lives, and saved even more relationships. Remember, when we come to our final moments, lying on our death bed. The only thing that will matter to you is if you loved enough. If you gave your gifts as fully as you could. Don't wait another moment to dive into your fear - and open your heart to love consciously.

To your freedom in relationships,

Blaise

Co-dependence is an agreemtn to stay locked in unconscious patterns. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious.

We all need closeness and space. In a close relationship, we have two distinct needs: closeness and independence. In a co-committed relationship, both these needs are acknowledged and celebrated. You get close, and when it is time, you separate for a while. Then it's time for more closeness.

In co-dependence, let's say both people have a fear of getting close, based on a past relationship that brought them pain. They get close in a relationship, and out of that closeness comes fear, and out of that fear comes the expectation of pain, and out of that expectation they withdraw from each other. Often they blame each other for their pain: "I was feeling okay, then I got close to you, and now I feel bad. Obviously that's your fault."

The real need is to communicate about these issues, to tell the truth about what they are experiencing, and to take some space to allow themselves to become comfortable again.

(Blaise's note: For those familiar with David Deida and John Welwood's work, this last solution about communicating and taking space is a typical health stage 2 relationship response.)

Excerpt from: Conscious Loving: The Journey of Co-Commitment. by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

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Blaise's note: The beautiful thing about our life is that we always have a choice between unconsciousness & closing, which leads to entanglement and co-dependence and conscious open love, which leads to what we all dream of. The moment of choice, is the moment of power. Mastering this fleeting moment of chance, where you can choose to respond in NEW way is the way of conscious loving. Otherwise, you'll just be repeating your old patterns of closure, clenching, reacting and living a life of folly. The latter is a life out of control. A life where you never have free will, because you'll always be a victim of your mind and of your past. Never free to experience anything new, let alone the love that is hiding in your heart. So explore more of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks' book, Conscious Loving to learn more about becoming aware of the unconsciousness...

The Birth of Co-Dependence

You get close to someone. Eventually two things will happen, often simultaneously. On your part, feelings and old patterns emerge. For example, the closeness brings up fear or anger, along with an old pattern of withdrawing into yourself when you are immersed in feelings. All human beings have feelings and patterns; it is how we deal with them that makes us different from one another.

There is a relationship between the two of you as real people, and there is the relationship between the two shadows. The shado is the part of us we do not know about. It is the hidden repository of all our old feelings and patterns. When the moment happens where we are triggered, we have a fleeting moment of chance to take effective action and open into conscious loving. If you let it slide, it slides back into the shadow, into co-dependence. What is this effective action? It is to see and say the truth.

Withholding

Withholding is a major, core problem. The dictionary says that to withhold is to restrain, to hold back, to conceal. It is the act of holding back something that needs to be said.

Withdrawing and Projection

Withdrawing and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. The very act of hidding the things that you need to express takes you one step back from the relationship. As a result you being to project. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first. Classic exchanges emerge: "What's wrong, honey?" "Oh, nothing." The tendency to hide how we feel is so ingrained that it often lasts long into even the healthiest relationship.

We often will project onto people in our present lives issues that actually belong to people in our pasts.

• We are angry at a monther or father from long ago, but aim the anger at a husband or wife in the here and now.
• We were abused in childhood, but watch suspiciously for it even with people who have no track record of abusing us.
• We were abandoned in childhood, so cling to a present partner to avoid being left again.

Of course, life being as complicated as it is, this form of projection often combines with a second form: when we fail to deal with an issue inside, we begin to see it outside.

Power Struggles

One way to keep a co-dependent relationship alive is through constant power struggle. The game becomes one of conflict instead of exchanging positive energy. Over time, conflict can become a deep and severe addiction. Power struggles end the moment people take responsibility for their feelings and lives. The battle often focuses on who's right, who's wrong, who makes the rules, who has teh power to end the relationship, and there is an addiction to the adrenaline released in the struggle. Miracles can occure when struggle-addicted couples trade the adrenaline high of conflict for the smoother joys of self-discovery.

Sex, Money and Children

Power struggles are often based on the perception of scarcity. And the main topics of power struggles are sex, money and children. With sex, the struggles are often about how much. Sometimes it's about with whom. Money provides a nearly inexhaustible topic for power struggles, since almost no one feels they have enough of it. Children unfortunately are often used in power struggles as well. Arguing over childrearing styles, rules, and time spent with the children.

The Heart of the Matter

It is not love to blame. Each of us has resistance to the very love we desire. We also have resistance to the space and independence we need. So we go back and forth, not letting ourselves have one or the other. It boils down to this: Are you willing ot have your relationships be a pathway to fully revealing yourself and your potential?

But even in the healthies co-committed relationship, there will always be glitches that arise as you get closer. As your feelings arise, you always have a choice as to whether to express them or repress them. As you repress, you withhold and withdraw, leading to projection, power struggles and co-dependence. Expressing leads to communication, closeness and conscious loving, as you both explore together your potential, your past and your ever expanding being.

Once you have decided to take responsibility for the quality of yoru relationships, you need several specific tools.... That will soon be revealed from this great book; Conscious Loving

Excerpts from: Conscious Loving, by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

Trap #1

Trap #2

Trap #3

Trap #4

Trap #5

Trap #6

Trap #7

Trap #8

Trap #9

Step One: COMMITMENT

1. I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way.

2. I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual.

3. I commit to revealing myself fully in the relationship, not to concealing myself.

4. I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me.

5. I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality.

6. I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.

In troubled relationships, people are strongly committed but that the commitments are to things such as:

• Power struggles (who's right, whose problem is it, who's having the worst time)
• Taking care of each other
• Cleaning up the other's messes
• Providing three meals a day
• Getting ahead financially.

Step Two: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF

(Stay tuned for more...)